


eventually the birds must land

by TornThorn



Series: goodbyes and hellos [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Dreams, Finale spoilers, Fluff and Angst, Goodbyes, I just wanted them to be happy GFDI, Less fluffy and more angsty though, M/M, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 11:57:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13570116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TornThorn/pseuds/TornThorn
Summary: Vax didn't get to say all his goodbyes. He is granted one final farewell.





	eventually the birds must land

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in a haze, around 5:30 in the morning after watching the final pair of Talks Machina following the campaign wrap up, and my mind kept circling around the things Liam and Matt said about Gilmore. I couldn't stop crying and I just started typing. If I was merciful, I'd follow this up with, like, a modern fantasy au where these two meet again and get a happy ending this time. I may yet, but I make no promises.

_And his hands?_

His hands keep turning into birds and

flying away from him. _Him being you._

Yes.

* * *

From the first moment, Shaun knew something was not right.

He was seated on the steps of his shop, and the gentle summer's heat was warm on his skin. Beside him was Vax, wearing fewer layers than usual, the black feather woven into his hair reminiscent of his sister. He, too, was basking in the sun's light, lit up by the clear day.

Blinking lazily, and feeling a soul-deep ache in his chest, Shaun caught Vax's hand and brought it to his lip. "This is a dream," he announced easily.

Vax jumped and turned to him. "How do you-?"

The smile Shaun offered was equal parts wistful and sad. "I am uninjured and can think of nothing I need to do, no urgent business to take up my time. There is no one around, despite how lovely out it is today. And you…" He paused and tightened his hold on Vax's hand for a moment before letting his grip become loose.

Vax appeared hurt. "Am I not worthy to be here, in this setting of peace?”

At the hesitant tone, Shaun turned and rested his other hand on Vax's cheek and leaned in until their foreheads met, eyes closed. "You are what I dream of when I dare to dream. And I know that is not something I can have. It pains me that I was not your choice, and all my wild imaginings of the life we might have built together were dashed. I mourn that loss," he admitted, voice tight with unshed tears.

Opening his eyes again, he met Vax's. His dear friend seemed guilty and sorrowful, and Shaun chuckled, offering a slow smile. "I can mourn, but I cannot be angry."

Pulling slightly back in surprise, Vax's eyebrows rose. "What?"

Shaun released the man and leaned back on his hands, tilting his face up towards the bright blue sky. It would hurt to look at Vax as he acknowledged another's place in the life of this man he loved. "I wish you happiness and love. And if that is to be found with Keyleth, I could no more begrudge you that than I could steal the moons from the sky."

Glancing over, he took in Vax's stunned expression and the tears that began to shine in his eyes. Hunching in a little on himself, Vax choked out, "I wonder if I could have ever deserved you."

Shifting closer, Shaun offered him a rare, true smile, no bluster or performance to it. "Of course you did. Vax'ildan, you are so loved. And by so many."

Swallowing hard, Vax leaned his head against Shaun's shoulder, wearily. "I came to say goodbye."

That had Shaun shooting upright, coming to his feet. "Goodbye?" he demanded, pacing away before stomping right back to face Vax. "Does my continued care so offend you that my company must now be avoided?"

Following him up, Vax held out his hands in an attempt to calm the man. "No, _no_ , my friend. I…" he paused, rubbed a hand across his face and sighed deeply, shoulders slumping. "I made a deal with the Raven Queen." A gulp. "For my sister's life. No matter the outcome of Vox Machina’s fight with Vecna, she would thereafter lay claim to my soul.”

There was a moment of stunned silence while Shaun stared at Vax, mouth dropped open. Then he reached out and pulled Vax against his chest as he quietly whispered, "You stupid, stubborn man. You blessed _fool_."

Vax took the offered comfort without pause, dropping his cheek against Shaun's chest and wrapping his arms tightly around him as Vax let the tears fall. He thought, after his goodbye to his family, to Scanlan and Keyleth and _Vex,_  the other half of himself, he was done with crying. He had been wrong.

He bit back the sobs as Shaun continued to hold him close, letting Vax cry himself out.

Finally, finally, he pulled himself back under control and leaned away enough to glance up at Shaun.

Shaun, who was trying so hard to put aside his own grief to allow Vax solace. Seeing that, Vax leaned up and pressed his mouth against Shaun's.  
Neither thought much beyond the frantic meeting of lips and gasps for breath as they stumbled together back up the steps and into the shop, or through the deserted building and into the back room. Before either knew what was happening, clothes were tumbling away and they were falling together across a velvet-covered couch, skin sliding against skin.

It was desperate and as much an act of sorrow as of love, quick at first before growing languid, both stretching out each moment in recognition of how short this time together might be.

When Shaun whispered against Vax's mouth how lovely he was, how _loved_ he was, the tears came again. And when Vax returned the words with his own, that he did love Shaun, and that in another life, perhaps… Shaun stole the rest of the words with lips and hands and gentle movements that rocked Vax to the core.

In what could have been minutes, or hours, they finally rested together, Shaun's brilliant purple robe, teeming with elaborate embroidery, pulled over them like a blanket. They let the silence grow, as sweetly heavy as the sun had been earlier.

It did not take long before Shaun could feel the dream beginning to shift, and he hugged Vax close and confessed, voice hushed, "I do not think I could ever love another as I've loved you."

Vax rested his chin on his hands across Shaun's chest, stretched out atop his new lover and shook his head softly. "I wish you would," he answered, then brushed a fingertip over Shaun's lower lip. "And at the same time, I wish to remain the great love of your life. It turns out, even now, I'm a selfish ass."

Shaun's body shook with a swift peal of laughter, jostling Vax, who settled back after a moment. "Who do you think I fell in love with, Vax'ildan? I adore that strangely noble asshole who I first met, and who I've watched become someone greater than any of us could have anticipated. Wherever the Raven Queen leads you," he spoke, voice quiet on her name, as though hoping it would hold off her notice and allow him a moment longer, "I hope you can find peace. I don't make it a habit to threaten deities,” Shaun added with a wry grin. “I would make an exception for you, my dear. She had best recognize that you are a treasure beyond price."

Licking his lips, Vax scooted up for one final kiss and breathed against Shaun's mouth, "I do not know how, or when, but one day, I _will_ see you again."

Eyes squeezed closed, fighting to breathe despite the pain pressing against his ribcage, Shaun demanded, "Can you promise me this?"

"I promise."

* * *

In his large bed in Emon, Shaun Gilmore woke with a wet face, unsure whether to despair or hope.

A month later when Keyleth finally worked up the courage to come and tell him of Vax's fate, he hugged her close and whispered that he already knew.

* * *

_What did you really want?_ Someone

to pass this with me. _You wanted more._

I want what everyone wants.

 

_Was there no one else?_

His hands keep turning into

birds, and his hands keep flying away

from him. _Eventually the birds must land._

**Author's Note:**

> The quotes at the beginning and end of the story are from the poem Unfinished Duet, by Richard Siken, from his poetry collection Crush.


End file.
